It's difficult to imagine, as you stand at the altar, watching your beautiful bride walk down the aisle, that one day, instead of a queen, there will be a witch. What could happen to turn your queen into a witch? Is it possible to turn love into resentment? And makes you say, “I despise my wife?”
It takes time to resent and despise your wife. It is a long-term process that takes months or years to complete.
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What might you notice if you are the “hated” spouse to alert you that something is wrong? You may notice your spouse becoming less talkative, playful, affectionate, and so on. Something isn't quite right. Those uneasy feelings could be subtle signs of resentment seeping through the fabric of your marriage.
This can happen for a variety of reasons. In this article, I will list a few of the most common behaviors that can cause you to dislike your wife and cause hatred to grow in a relationship.
1. Making a Greater Contribution Than Your Wife
I am currently working with a client who claims to despise his wife. “Mike” thinks she's lazy because she doesn't help out around the house or with their two young children. She refuses to help no matter how many times he asks, claiming, “I'm busy, and besides, it's not that bad!” He began to despise his wife, and the resentment he feels is so strong that he is considering divorcing her.
It is critical to maintain a sense of balance in relationships. Both partners must communicate with each other and discuss how to manage the house, bills, children, and so on, preferably before the marriage takes place, to avoid surprises. One partner cannot bear the entire burden. In the preceding example, Mike is responsible for keeping his home clean and organized. And he lets it go because it feels too much after a long day at work. The house then appears even worse, and his resentment grows stronger.Speak with your wife. Take care of the issue. Other reasons for the “laziness” could exist.
For example, Sylvia Smith writes in her article What Should You Do If Your Wife Is Lazy,
“There is always a reason why someone isn't working. Your wife may be going through a difficult time that she is unwilling to discuss. Start the conversation and discuss the issue openly. Tell her what you think of her attitude and inquire about her potential problems.”
2. Being treated as if I were a child
I've heard several women say, “Seriously, it's as if I have three kids!” Their husband is the third person they are referring to. Consider yourself to be the third child.
Sheri Stritof stated in her article, Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship,
“Putting yourself in the role of ‘parent' and your partner in the role of ‘child' is demeaning and can be counterproductive. Your partner may develop resentment toward you for taking on a controlling role in your relationship. This can seriously harm your marriage.”
I've spoken with many husbands who feel emasculated because their wives treat them like children, as if they're incapable and inadequate. This does not make any man feel warm and fuzzy. In fact, it has the opposite effect.
Ladies, the man you married may have flaws, but he is still a man. There are ways to have a conversation without being condescending or treating your spouse like a five-year-old. Continuing in this manner will only worsen your husband's behavior and create a huge chasm in your marriage.
3. Their spouses are excessive spenders
Another major issue that makes a husband despise his wife is when he tries to save money for a rainy day and his wife spends it faster than he can bring home the paycheck. Many relationships have ended because of money.
Imagine saving money to hire a painter to repair wood damage or buy a new work computer, only to discover that the funds have already been spent. What husband wouldn't be resentful of his wife?
So, what are your options? Casey Slide, on the other hand,
“At least half of the battle was won if you could persuade your spouse of the error of his or her ways. You must now assist in spending control. Allowing both of you to spend a certain amount of money each pay period is one way to accomplish this. I recommend using the envelope budgeting system because it uses cash to keep you accountable to sticking to your budget. You are out of money once you have spent your money.”
Money issues and their management are a must-discuss topic. Both partners must be on the same page in this situation.
4th. Sex! What kind of sex?
When women first start dating, they may be sexy and amorous. She fulfills her man's needs and pretends to enjoy it, but somewhere along the way—after two children, a full-time job, and Pilates—she has no energy left for sex.
According to the article The Effects of Sexual Rejection on a Marriage,
“I know you don't want your spouse to feel ‘unloved and unwanted,' but I'm here to tell you that if you consistently reject him/her for sex, those are almost certainly feelings your spouse feels. Sadly, this is how sexual refusal and sexual rejection affect a marriage. It's extremely damaging and will almost certainly lead to estrangement and resentment over time.”
A lack of sex causes a husband to despise his wife, particularly in men with a normal sexual appetite. After all, they were used to having sex on a regular basis, and now they feel the need to beg for it—and often don't get it.
Sex is one of the factors that contribute to marital intimacy. If all of one's energy is directed elsewhere, the door will be left open for an affair. Sex is a way for men to emotionally connect with their partners. It's their way of forming a loving bond with you. When his wife refuses him sex, he feels rejected, as if he isn't a man enough. He may lose faith in his abilities, opening the door for a husband to despise his wife.
5. The Dirty Fighters
Couples have a disagreement. It is a component of all relationships. After all, you're dealing with two distinct entities with opposing histories and perspectives. But there is a way to fight that will result in resolution rather than hurt feelings.
Concerning issues must be addressed, but how they are addressed makes a difference. Character assassination is one thing I've heard repeatedly that causes a downward spiral during an argument.
For example, if a sock is dropped on the floor, the following attack is launched: “You're a slacker, a filthy slob!” Or when your husband is unwinding after work, you tell him, “You are a lazy SOB couch potato!” And so forth. You may be irritated by messy behavior, but there is no need to resort to name-calling.
That is filthy fighting! It is possible to fight in a fair manner. Also, avoid using phrases like “you always…” and “you never…” Absolutes are rarely, if ever, the case.
You're not there to try, convict, and sentence your husband; you're there to solve a problem.
6. Talking behind your friends' and family's backs
Disagreements and fights occur in marriages. When the wife turns around and airs all the dirty laundry to her family and friends, it can make a husband hate his wife and feel betrayed. When this happens, the husband feels betrayed, as if he can't trust his wife not to reveal the details of their marriage. He knows that the next time he has dinner with his in-laws, they will look at him with blame and animosity.
I've witnessed it numerous times. Husband and wife are having a heated argument. She brags to everyone about how bad her husband is. They then make amends. Unfortunately, her friends and family still see him as the monster she created.
It is critical to keep your personal life private. Your spouse does not want to feel as if everything he does is being judged and criticized by everyone.
“Think about the consequences of sharing sensitive information with your friends and family without your partner's permission,” Kelsey Borresen advises.
Take care with what you say. If you don't have to say anything, don't say anything.
7. Not Getting Enough Appreciation
Because he feels unappreciated, a husband may begin to despise his wife. They work long hours, do housework, and even cook dinner on occasion. But their wives continue to nag them, pushing them to do more and more while failing to appreciate what they already do.
Chris Ownby writes in his article What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated, ”
“It has been demonstrated that being actively grateful (that is, actively expressing gratitude) is associated with higher levels of joy, optimism, and other positive emotions, as well as feeling less lonely. It has been discovered that feeling valued and appreciated by your spouse is a major indicator (the number one indicator in one study) of a happy, healthy marriage.”
Take care of your marriage. Compliment your husband on all of the small things he does. Make things happen for him.
Men frequently believe that doing housework is a sign of love. His wife, on the other hand, might not see it that way. She might be expecting diamonds, flowers, or chocolate-covered strawberries instead! Love manifests itself in a variety of ways.
Learn each other's love languages and appreciate the small things your husband does for you!
8. Refraining from Sex as Punishment!
It's natural to be irritated with your honey. Arguments occur in all relationships. Is punishing your husband, however, the best way to make things right? No, it does not. The punishment is frequently withholding sex! Exercising punitive behavior will not improve the relationship. Things can usually be worked out, but never through the use of cruel punishment.
“Using sex as a weapon in relationships is never a good idea. The disadvantages are numerous; it drives your partner away, causes fights, causes tension, takes the fun out of a relationship, and you literally stop being attentive to each other's needs,” according to Corrine Barraclough.
Talk about the real issue if you want to make things better. It is not always what you believe it to be. If necessary, seek marriage counseling. It will go a long way toward assisting you in sorting things out.
9. Spending an Excessive Amount of Time on the Phone/Posting Private Information
In today's world, having a smartphone and constantly being on social media can be compared to having a lover—the thing that drives couples apart.
I worked with a man whose wife was constantly active on social media. She'd spend hours on her phone, talking about all her “friends,” repeating things they'd said as if they were gospel, and so on. She mostly ignored her husband, and when he did say something, she would respond, “You're making a big deal out of nothing.” She was too close to hear how he felt. They eventually split up.
Rachael Pace writes in her article, My Wife Is Addicted to Her Phone-What to Do,
“Experts say that if their significant other is constantly on the phone, people who value quality time in their relationships may feel rejected or even abandoned.”
Being constantly on the phone can not only cause problems, but it can also complicate matters if private and disparaging information is shared. Speak with your real-life partner. At dinner, put your phone away and respect each other's privacy.
10. Attempting to Change Your Spouse
People frequently marry with the mistaken belief that their partner will change—that they will quit smoking, become more organized, and stop eating junk food. And if they don't stop on their own, you'll make it happen with your persuasive skills.
“Setting out on a mission to change your spouse is extremely disrespectful to both them and your relationship. There are many healthy habits to break, such as smoking or overeating, but changing your partner's personality is not one of them,” says Rachael Pace.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change anyone. What you see while dating is what you will get when you marry. There may be some minor improvements, but they are not the result of coercion.
Talk to each other about things that could be improved, but don't try to change your spouse into someone they aren't.
11. Making critical decisions without first consulting others
My acquaintance purchased an entire living room set without first consulting her husband. The furniture was delivered in a single day. She didn't want to say anything to her husband because she was afraid he would say no because their financial situation was so precarious. In fact, he would have said the same thing because purchasing that furniture was living above their means.
You can imagine her husband's resentment when he returned home from work to find a newly furnished room worth several thousand dollars. Making such large decisions without informing your partner is not a true partnership.
“Don't be afraid to communicate openly with your spouse as you work through decision-making together. According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, “not speaking up about your feelings or being actively involved in decision-making may lead you to resent your spouse for making all the decisions (or for making a major decision that was important to you).”
Relationships do not have to suffocate. Knowledge is a form of power. Access to this information may prevent resentment from escalating in your relationship.
Keep an eye on your actions. Is there anything you're doing or saying that suggests malfeasance? Are you constantly nagging to get what you want? There are ways to strengthen rather than weaken your relationship.
For starters, they're talking to each other—but not at each other, because they're in attack mode. If you both agree to compromise, remember to address each other with love and respect. There is little chance for a husband to despise his wife and harbor resentment toward her.
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