The majority of couples divorce, as evidenced by the fact that the divorce rate in Western countries is around 50%. These marriage statistics exclude couples who split up after being in a long-term relationship but never married.
So, why do so many relationships and marriages end in divorce?
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While many relationships and marriages fail, there are steps you can take to save your marriage. In this article, I'll explain how to save a failing marriage.
1. Take Action As Soon As Possible If You Want to Save Your Marriage
The most common mistake that many couples make is that they only start dealing with problems when they have already spiraled out of control (thus, it is sometimes too late to save their relationship).
I'd like to encourage you to act as soon as possible. Don't wait until your marriage has reached a point where it feels hopeless. Do something now, while you both believe your relationship can be saved.
When you notice something isn't quite right in your marriage, you must act quickly. This necessitates open and candid communication. Yes, this can be difficult at times, but a happy and fulfilling relationship necessitates effective communication followed by intentional actions. It is not difficult to repair your relationship if you act quickly enough.
If money is an issue, you'll need a financial plan and a weekly money date with your spouse to go over your personal finances. In her book Money: A Love Story, author Kate Northrup recommends this strategy.
2. Recognize that you will frequently see things from a different perspective
When you argue with your spouse, you are almost always trying to be right rather than choosing to be happy. Yes, you can be completely correct… from your own point of view. But, if arguing your point doesn't make you happy, what's the point of always having to be right?
Look for the humor in a situation in which your opinions and perceptions are proven to be incorrect. Our brains can perceive a situation in hundreds of different ways, according to research, so it's a miracle that we can understand each other and agree on anything at all!
Knowing that your brain will frequently misinterpret things (as well as the intentions behind them), you can choose to see the humor in a situation rather than taking a resistant stance and stubbornly attempting to prove that you are correct. Technically, both of you are correct from your respective perspectives, so make it a priority to understand what your partner is attempting to say and convey.
Often, you will find yourself starting to laugh at the absurdity of your resistant stance, but you can't seem to stop yourself from being stubborn. You clearly see what your partner is trying to say, but you are too invested in proving that their words are incorrect and contradictory to what they are trying to say. You're so focused on proving yourself right that you don't notice this relationship-sabotaging behavior before it spirals out of control. Overindulging in this childish game may cause one or both of you to become emotionally triggered and enter into a full-fledged argument… Simply because you wanted to demonstrate that you were correct.
Instead of being petty, choose to enjoy your various modes of expression. This will help keep problems from spiraling out of control and is an important step toward saving your marriage. The good news is that you will feel happier once you stop overreacting to a negatively triggered emotion. And it's a wonderful thing to choose happiness over being right all of the time. As a result, an effective method of rescuing a failing marriage.
Dating coach Matthew Hussey agrees that using humor and stopping being petty are effective ways to deal with minor issues in a marriage. Hussey stated in an interview with NBC,
“The key to having an amazing relationship is to never stop flirting with your partner and seeing them in a different light.”
One of the simplest ways to keep flirting is to use humor, and you can use this technique to save a marriage any time your actions have caused unnecessary tension between you.
3. Work on the Three Marriage Pillars
A relationship is built on three pillars: emotional connection, intimacy, and mutual benefits, also known as attraction alignment. When all three pillars of a marriage are in place, the relationship is balanced, happy, and healthy.
- When two pillars of a marriage are functioning properly, it is considered a very good marriage.
- When one pillar of a marriage is performing well, the marriage is still viable.
- You can assess which pillar (or pillars) require additional attention and work to improve those areas as soon as possible in order to save your marriage.
- Emotional Connection is the first pillar.
First and foremost, if your emotional connection is weak, you will frequently feel distant and disconnected from your partner. During this time, words and actions are frequently misinterpreted, and disagreements escalate. It usually indicates that you are more concerned with what you don't like about your partner than with what you love and appreciate about them.
So you don't become overwhelmed, a part of your brain filters out the millions of bytes of data coming in through your senses. The problem is that these filters are determined and set by what you most frequently focus your attention on, causing you to notice more of it.
Are you more concerned with the best or worst possible outcomes for your marriage? Where do your imagined conversations lead you: toward or away from a happy relationship with your partner? Are you imagining the end of your relationship, or are you disciplining your mind to look for opportunities to create what you want?
Remember to be thoughtful with your choice of words and, especially, the tone of your voice to improve your emotional connection.
Your partner's emotional response is frequently triggered by the tone of your voice.
Praise and appreciate your partner's efforts, and concentrate your efforts on achieving the best results for everyone involved. Instead of constantly reliving past experiences in which neither of you was at your best, think about the future.
Focus on lifting each other up with your thoughts, words, and actions to strengthen your emotional connection. Concentrate on achieving your goals.
You can also create more shared experiences with your spouse by going away for a weekend or vacation together, having regular date nights, and sharing your future dreams.
Intimate Connection is the second pillar.
Second, if things aren't going well in the bedroom, it will eventually lead to an emotional schism and possibly a loss of desire and attraction in one or both partners. Building and maintaining a satisfying sex life is required to truly restore a happy emotional connection. Sex is the one thing that elevates you above friends and is a necessary component of a happy and healthy marriage.
We are not taught how to use our bodies sexually, so performing a sexual act requires a lot of guesswork. As a result, 40% of men and women suffer from common intimacy issues, and many couples give up on having a healthy and fulfilling intimate relationship.
To be honest, this is the main reason why many couples do not have children. The reason they don't have children isn't always what they've told others on social media.
It is more than just expressing what you want and need. If your partner does not know how to properly focus their attention, they will continue to have issues. For example, a man's hard erection will be lost if he focuses too much on his partner. Both of you need to know how to increase your sexual stamina if you want to have a fulfilling intimate life. This will allow you to enjoy your intimate time together while also strengthening this important aspect of your relationship.
Building intimacy is something you must both work on together.
Many women's desires are based on emotional connection, so it's critical to take steps to stop sabotaging your happiness in both the emotional and sexual aspects of your relationship.
Most men require sex like fish require water, and it is how they express their love and affection. If you avoid connecting sexually because you don't feel a strong enough emotional connection, it can lead to a further schism. You must act as the adult in this situation and make an effort to connect emotionally and intimately with your partner. You will be more easily able to come together intimately once you decide to stop being resistant and start focusing on what you like and love about your partner.
After being married for several years, many couples stop working on their intimacy, and sex-starved marriages are more common than most people realize. This can result in one or both partners leaving the marriage or having an affair. So, if you want to save your marriage, focus on the intimacy pillar.
Attraction Alignment is the third pillar.
Why does the honeymoon period come to an end? Because we have stopped paying attention to all of the details that drew us to our partner in the first place!
NEVER expect your partner to remain attracted to you if you become complacent. When you stop caring for yourself and/or have become lazy in your approach to being the best version of yourself, you begin to lose your partner's respect and admiration.
According to psychologists, the first thing people notice when they meet someone is the person's hair. Changing your hair is a simple way to start restoring attraction and adding variety to a failing marriage. Ginie Sayles, author of She Was a Bigamist, believes that a woman should change her hairstyle every two years. When her husband took her to dinner with another couple, she discovered this technique. “I've known this couple for many years,” her husband said after dinner. She's a lovely lady, but she never changes her hair.”
In other words, men are aware of such things. Women feel the same way.
To be more specific, when a woman is concerned with her appearance, men may or may not notice her attractiveness. Men, on the other hand, will notice when a woman becomes stale. The same is true for men. As women, we notice our partner's appearance and the effort (or lack thereof) he (or she) expends to keep themselves appealing to us.
The number one relationship killer is complacency, which must be avoided at all costs. This includes your actions in carrying out agreements in your relationship. If your partner brings up an issue that is bothering them, I guarantee they have considered it many times before bringing it up aloud. Respect the fact that they have confided in you, and then make an effort to contribute to long-term resolution of the issue.
Exploring new interests as a couple (and as an individual) is essential for expanding your relationship and developing and growing yourself as a person. Adding new elements to your marriage can help to strengthen your emotional and intimate bond. Changing your hair, taking your spouse to see an exciting movie, and learning something new together, such as salsa dancing or a foreign language, are all examples of ways to add variety to your relationship.
I strongly recommend taking a dance class together because it teaches you how to communicate with your partner through your bodies; it also helps to restore emotional and sexual intimacy. It's especially effective when you're learning tango, salsa, or other partner dances that necessitate the man being the masculine alpha leader in the dynamics. Then, when you go out and dance in public, you have a sense of pride and accomplishment, as well as sharing a special connection that other couples don't seem to have, which is quite magical.
4. Hire a Marriage Counsellor or Relationship Specialist if you are unable to improve the quality of your marriage
Unnecessary squabbles can irreparably harm your relationship and cause your marriage to fall apart. After one argument in a marriage, at least three positive experiences are required to re-establish a couple's happiness. As a result, it is critical to avoid arguments.
Do you prefer to be correct or happy? Using a professional service to assist you with your marriage is a wise decision. However, not everyone is willing to do so for a variety of reasons.
For example, when Kate Northrup and her husband Mike Watts had frequent arguments after the birth of their first child, she asked him to accompany her to a marriage counsellor. Actually, before they married, Kate had told Mike that if something went wrong in their marriage, they would need to seek help.
Mike initially refused to see a marriage counselor after their frequent squabbles, because many men believe that seeking help is a sign of weakness. However, Mike later realized that asking for help demonstrates his strength because if something isn't working in his career, he would consult with a career counselor. As a result, if something isn't working in his marriage, he should consult with a marriage counselor.
So Kate and Mike sought the advice of a marriage counselor, and they are still happily married.
Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to seek professional help when their marriage is in trouble. However, the world would be a much better place if all couples experiencing marital problems sought professional help.
When weighing the benefits and costs of seeking professional help to save your marriage, keep in mind that the average wedding costs $30,000, while the average divorce costs much more. Therapy can be a much less expensive option. And here's What You Should Know Before Seeing a Marriage Counselor.
5. If both compatibility and chemistry are missing, you should think about moving on
Sometimes it is the best decision to end a marriage. Yes, I understand that in most cases, saving a marriage is critical, but not every marriage should be saved. When your marriage lacks both compatibility and chemistry, it may be more important to save your sanity.
- Compatibility means that you and your spouse have value systems that are similar, similar, or compatible, which can improve communication in your relationship. Allow me to explain.
- If you and your spouse both enjoy reading personal development books, it indicates that you share similar values, namely knowledge and self-improvement.
- Another example of having similar value systems is that you enjoy cooking and your spouse enjoys wine – you both appreciate the foodie culture.
As for compatible value systems, it could be that you enjoy writing and your spouse enjoys watching movies. In this case, while you're writing, your spouse could be watching movies. You don't have to do the same or similar activities as your spouse, but your interests should not conflict with his or hers.
Nonetheless, many couples have opposing value systems. For example, a highly spiritual, health-conscious, ethical person who has no interest in football may marry a partying atheist who consumes a lot of alcohol and spends the majority of their free time frequenting bars and watching football. As time passes, resentment can grow because they have few common interests to discuss.
In terms of chemistry, I'm sure I've mentioned how you can improve intimacy in the bedroom. Yes, most people can improve their intimacy skills in the bedroom and rekindle their passion, as well as maintain a happy and healthy relationship. However, no one can guarantee that all married couples will take action to restore a happy and satisfying sex life. This could be because one partner is embarrassed and refuses to seek help.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to fulfill you, it will eventually affect your emotional connection and desire for this person. While it may appear to be difficult work or an emotional barrier to overcome, putting forth effort for the sake of your partner is frequently the most important step in saving your marriage.
When compatibility, values, chemistry, and a desire to work together to save your marriage are missing, it's time to call it quits and move on.
However, keep in mind that life is a journey. Every relationship you have will assist you in becoming more focused on creating the life you truly desire.
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