Peeing on Plants (The Ultimate Guide + Image Quotes)

Introducing urine to one's garden space is not just the behavior of the inebriated; it is an age-old practice used by gardeners and farmers all over the world. It has a variety of uses, so depending on what your garden requires, you can use it in a variety of ways.

1. Use of Urine as a Fertilizer

Did you know that human urine contains a lot of nitrogen? Maybe you did, but you're probably wondering why that's a good thing and what it has to do with your garden. Plants require more nitrogen than any other element because it is used in the synthesis of amino acids, enzymes, proteins, and chlorophyll, and some plants consume far more than others.

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Corn, for example, requires significantly more nitrogen than most other plants, which is why it was commonly paired with beans as part of the Native “3 sisters” combination: beans deposit nitrogen into the soil, allowing corn to thrive.

We're not talking about beans here; we're talking about wee, which is such a high-quality fertilizer that a single person's urine could fertilize up to a tenth of an acre of vegetables for an entire year. If you intend to use pee as a fertilizer for actual plants in your garden, dilute it in a 20:1 ratio (20 parts water, 1 part pee) and sprinkle it around the plants, not on the plants themselves.

2. Soil Improver

Because urine contains not only nitrogen but also phosphorous and potassium, it replenishes soil that has been depleted of minerals due to over-farming. Gather a group of friends and have everyone pee in your garden in late autumn, then mulch with layers of vegetable peelings, leaves, and hay. By spring, the soil will be rich in nutrients that will help your parsnips and cabbages grow.

3. Accelerator for Composting

The goal of composting vegetable waste is to break it down so that it can be used to fertilize the next generation of plants, but this process takes time.

Because the uric acid in urine hastens compost decomposition, taking a leak on your compost pile is actually beneficial. Because uric acid is most concentrated in your first pee of the day, you'll either have to trudge out there with a full, insistent bladder, or else keep a jar/watering can/bucket in the washroom to collect said liquid gold and then toss it on the compost when you're a little less bleary-eyed.

4. Weed Killer

Have you ever noticed that when dogs urinate on certain patches of grass, the grass dies? It turns yellow first (due to the acids in the urine), then dries up as it dies. What do you think? Not only will undiluted dog pee kill plants, but so will human urine.

It has been stated that you must dilute urine like crazy to ensure that it is safe for the garden, because the acids contained therein will burn and kill your plants if used full strength. You can, however, use that full-strength pee to kill weeds in your garden.

5. Fungus Remover

When it comes to things you don't want in your garden… Fungal diseases such as leaf rot and downy mildew can affect plants at times. Remember what we said about uric acid? It's also great for getting rid of/deterring fungi on plants like berry bushes and low trees. You'll need to dilute it by about half and then spritz the watery wee on the affected areas with a spray bottle.

*Note: it appears that during both World Wars, soldiers urinated on their own feet to get rid of (or even prevent) athlete's foot and other foot-fungi that thrived in the damp trench conditions. I have no idea whether this was effective or not, but it could have!

6. High-Carbon-Country Soil Balancer

Most people don't think about how soil is created, but it, like most other substances on the planet, must be created. That rich, dark soil that is so appealing for planting was formed over time from decomposed plant matter such as sawdust, leaves, branches, and hay. These are dry “brown” materials high in carbon that degrade very slowly, whereas those high in nitrogen are moist “green” materials such as lawn clippings, vegetable peelings… and urine.

Ideally, you'll want to have equal parts brown and green matter in your compost to ensure a well-balanced compost, but those who keep compost heaps typically have a lot more lawn clippings and leaves than potato peels and carrot tops. Add undiluted urine to the heap to boost the nitrogen quotient: it will not only accelerate the breakdown (as listed in #3), but will also help to balance the nutrient ratios in your future soil.

7. Animal Repellant

If you've ever spent time with a dog, you'll notice that they like to mark their territory with urine so that all the other dogs in the neighborhood know who lives where and not to cross boundaries.

According to research, the scent of human urine (again, early morning pungent pee) can keep animals like cats, foxes, and rabbits away from your garden. This hasn't been tested by anyone I know and may be hearsay, but it's worth a shot! It should be noted that this supposedly only works with adult male urine, which is full of powerful hormones and manliness.

8. Deer Protection

This is really an extension of #7, but it's unique enough to warrant its own section.

If you live in a deer-infested area, you've probably had some problems with the lovely beasts nibbling greenery from your garden. To keep them away from your lettuce bed, apparently you should fill a spray bottle with your own early morning urine (if you're a guy—ladies will have to coax a partner or friend to donate instead), and then hose down the nearby trees, a few feet from the ground. For example, the height at which a deer's nose can easily detect it.

The idea is that deer are afraid of humans, and the strong scent of human presence should be enough to frighten them away. If that doesn't work, contact your local zoo or wildlife center and request a bag of coyote or wolf poop: this should deter them from getting too close.

If you decide to try any of these, please let us know how/if they work for you.

As a side note, if you are caught urinating in your yard after a particularly wild night of partying, you can use some of these advantages to justify your behavior.

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