People who are insecure in their relationships frequently act irrationally. They've texted their partner a million times in a row. Or calling to check in on a regular basis. Perhaps they try to keep tabs on their partner's whereabouts, even checking their email or Facebook messages when they can. Perhaps you've had this experience, either as the insecure one or as the person dating the insecure one. Perhaps you've been both, in different relationships.
Even if these aren't the healthiest signs of a relationship, these behaviors are commonly used to make people feel more secure in a relationship. They feel better after receiving a response from their partner via text, Facebook, or phone call.
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The problem is that people develop a habit of repeating these actions in order to remain secure. These seemingly insignificant actions can have a negative impact on a relationship. Some people may be irritated by their partners' constant monitoring of them. Some may believe that there is a deep trust issue that has yet to be resolved.
The Source of Uncertainty
Consider a world in which everyone carries a certain amount of fuel in their hands. Simultaneously, a fire is lit in their heart, and that fire requires constant fueling to survive.
Every single person will find their compatible partner, someone who can provide the fuel to keep the other's fire burning.
It is not always a smooth exchange of fuel. Individuals seek out others, such as family members or friends, to keep their fires lit and burning.
However, many times, people refuse to provide them with fuel.
These people could be their parents, who did not pay them enough attention when they were children. Childhood development is heavily reliant on a child's ability to form a strong bond with a caregiver. It is critical for babies and children to attach to a caregiver in order to survive. If children are not given adequate attention by their caregivers, they may grow up feeling insecure and having difficulty trusting others. As a result of being abandoned as a child, they may have doubts about their own worth and a strong fear of being unwanted.
People who made them feel rejected in previous relationships could also be a factor. People feel unwanted when they are rejected or betrayed by a friend or romantic partner. They are hurt and even question their own worth. It can be difficult for them to open up to others and trust others. And if they have difficulty trusting other people, they will inevitably feel insecure in a relationship.
As time passes, their fire grows smaller as they run out of fuel.
When they finally find someone suitable to provide them with fuel, they expect a lot from this partner – sometimes too much.
To ensure a constant supply of fuel, they will do anything: this is when they may begin to check their partner's texts or messages, or call too frequently. Because of what happened in the past, they are unable to trust their partner.
However, when they demand so much fuel, it depletes the other person.
As a result, anything done to make oneself feel more secure can irritate or harm the other person. For example, because of insecurity, they may fight a lot over trivial matters. Both will be exhausted, with one requiring a large amount of fuel and the other attempting to meet the high demand at all times.
As you can see, insecurity is not caused by the current relationship or partner. Instead, it stems from an inner fear of being abandoned, unloved, and unvalued. This sensation develops over time.
Where Should You Look for Security?
Insecurity fuels the fire within a person, and the fuel is a way to feel secure.
Waiting for someone else to give you fuel is rife with insecurities. When others refuse to do so, or when their fuel does not work well for you, your fire will grow smaller. When you rely on someone else for your security, you give up all control. This is why you feel insecure when you are rejected, neglected, or betrayed.
Giving yourself the fuel you require is the only way to ensure your own long-term security.
1. Light Your Own Fire
Perhaps you felt rejected as a child. Alternatively, in a previous relationship, others made you feel unimportant or disrespected you. They did not reflect your self-esteem.
When you are insecure, you are frequently focused on something you believe is lacking about yourself. When you don't feel good about yourself on the inside, it's natural to look outside of yourself for validation.
However, this is not a good way to maintain self-sufficiency. Instead, do something to make yourself feel good and secure, and you will no longer seek validation from outside sources. Get a haircut, enroll in a hobby class, and do what you're good at.
2. Keep your fuel separate from your partner's
Even if you're in a relationship, it's critical to maintain your independence. Any healthy relationship consists of two healthy individuals. Over-involvement in a relationship can result in ill-defined boundaries. You'll have a hazy understanding of your own requirements.
You feel more secure in your life when you are not reliant on your relationship to meet your needs. It is critical to maintain a sense of self-identity and to take care of one's own needs. Maintain your hobbies and passions if you had them prior to your relationship. If you're a runner, for example, keep getting up early and making it a priority in your life. Having your own life outside of a relationship keeps you interesting and allows you to grow.
Everyone has everything they need to feel safe. Most people are unaware of it and seek it from others. However, relying on others to make you feel safe is unhealthy and will deplete a relationship. Do what makes you feel confident and worthy, and stop looking for validation from others, and you'll find the security you've always desired. Make your own fire.
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