Types of Drunks (The Ultimate Guide + Image Quotes)

It's summer, which means everyone is spending all of their time enjoying the sunshine, warm breezes, and general good mood with other people at parties and fun shindigs. Yes, I realize that using the word “shindig” makes me sound like I'm in a Joss Whedon TV show or the early 1960s.

The point is that when the weather is nice, the music is playing, and the booze is flowing, it's very easy to get drunk quickly. It's also much easier to find yourself rubbing shoulders with people whose character is a little shaky when they're drinking.

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I've compiled a list of seven of the worst types of offenders, as well as advice on how to deal with being caught in close proximity with one of them, or what to do if your friend becomes one of them during the party. After all, we must all look out for one another, right?

1. Drunken Joy

The Happy Drunk is the “best” type of drunk: they're happy, joyous, and the life of the party. The only reason to avoid these drunks like the plague if you're sober, or at least not as inebriated as them, is that they'll come across as annoying as hell. Oh, you think life is wonderful and that dancing to the Black Eyed Peas is fantastic? That song ended an hour ago, and you've been grinding against a doorframe with a blissful expression that became frightening about ten minutes in.

What advice do you have for dealing with them? Pretend to be as happy as they are, then go find your own friends and throw your own party.

2. Depressed Drunk

Alcohol can do strange things to people, one of which is make them sad, resulting in Type 2, the Sad Drunk, which is never fun for either the inebriated or those around them. We've all seen someone like that at a party: they've been dumped, or they've had a bad day at work. Who knows, but when you combine all of this with alcohol, the chances are you'll be confronted with a crying, sobbing, sullen drunk person whose life is at a nadir of joy and happiness at the moment and who are a pain to be around at a party.

(((Instant Book Preview of Drunk on a Plane)))

What advice do you have for dealing with them? In general, I'd say be nice to them. Maintain a positive attitude and find them some people to hang out with if they're alone, and then move on. If you can, keep an eye on them.

3. Drunken Imprudence

The Reckless Drunk, oh my God. The guy who drinks a few tequila shots and believes he's Superman, Criss Angel, and Tony Hawk all rolled into one. He'll probably be sliding down the bannisters, drinking ridiculous amounts of booze in the kitchen, or doing something so stupid that it makes your heart drop into your stomach just thinking about it.

What advice do you have for dealing with them? Take away his toys. If he intends to skate down the stairs, hide the skateboard for a few hours with the assistance of a couple of friends. It may take some time out of your evening, but it's nothing compared to having the party interrupted by a trip to the ER. The reckless drunk will sulk, but he will recover quickly. There's no harm, no foul, and all that.

4. Drunk Philosophical

You know the Philosophical Drunk: three hours into the party, while most people are attempting (or failing) to attract someone of their preferred gender, the Philosophical Drunk will be found discussing the big issues. Their favorite meal at the Olive Garden, life and death. It turns out that when they get a little liquor in their system, they transform into Jean-Paul Sartre in a beanie hat.

What advice do you have for dealing with them? There are two options to choose from: A) act stupid or drunk in their presence (this will cause them to dismiss you as a potential debating partner), or B) if cornered by the Philosophical Drunk, throw him or her for a loop with a back-up question that will give them enough pause for thought to allow you to flee while they continue to contemplate.

5. DJ Drunken Fifth

There isn't enough money in the world to make any of us dance to a song we truly despise, but give us a heavy dose of alcohol and a lowering of personal taste and social inhibition, and you'll have a crowd leering and doing “Sexy and I Know It.” The DJ Drunk is in charge of inducing these want tobe dancing heroes. The type who takes over the Spotify playlist for the entire evening and curates a mix of disparate genres. There's nothing wrong with grooving to some alt-indie or big and bold pop, but it's jarring when they switch from one to the other and sometimes don't even finish the song. A DJ Drunk who is enamored with his music can ruin an evening.

(((Instant Book Preview of Drunk on Love)))

What advice do you have for dealing with them? Encourage the DJ Drunk to dance if you want to regain control of the music. After all, they chose the music, so they're more likely to enjoy the music that's being played. Get them on the dancefloor, let them shake their groove thing, and hand over control of the music to someone else.

6. Sleazy Drunk

Welcome to the world of the Sleazy Drunk. Otherwise known as the type of guy or girl who becomes very sleazy and inappropriate when they're drunk, with lascivious comments and half-attempted gropes; the creepy, horrible side of those people who wouldn't dare to grind up against a complete stranger no matter how inappropriate or unwanted their attentions are. The Sleazy Drunk is sometimes an exaggeration of the typical sleazy person—the only difference being that they can now blame alcohol for their attempts and indiscretions. Nice.

What advice do you have for dealing with them? If you find yourself being chatted up by the Sleazy Drunk, the old “my friend is calling me” line is a great way to get out of trouble. Other options include asking them if they want a drink and going to the kitchen, or simply telling a big fat lie if you've never met this guy and are unlikely to meet him again. Personally, I prefer the “I'm dating someone” line, but use your discretion in deciding which lie to tell.

7. Sober and Drunk

Last but not least, there's the Sober Drunk. While the Sober Drunk may appear to be a bit of a contradiction in terms, they are their own unique type of drunk; the kind that comes from hours of drinking and inebriation when they gain moments of clarity and insight. What's the big deal about this? In theory, it isn't, but let's face it: when we lose our mouth-to-brain filter, the unwanted or unspoken truths come tumbling out. The Sober Drunk will realize that they don't like any of their friends and will tell them so to devastating effect, or they will reveal that their liaison with a mysterious someone is actually the significant other of someone at the party and within earshot. Oops.

What advice do you have for dealing with them? Get them out of the party and start running damage control. When someone starts talking about so-and-boyfriend, so's take them away from the main body of the party and to a quiet area. The last thing you need is the Sober Drunk blabbing in front of someone they'll regret, whether it's in the garden, the bathroom, or an unoccupied bedroom. If you can't get them out in time, lie your way out of the party. That is what true friends do.

Which type of drunk do you encounter the most? Do you have a favorite or least favorite type of drunk? Let's hope we don't have to deal with any more of the worst types of drunk people! (Though it could be quite amusing!)

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