Relationships aren't always easy to maintain. When two people with different life experiences, views, and perspectives come together, arguments and disagreements are to be expected. But how many times have we been told that arguing with our partner means the relationship is doomed? Is frequently disagreeing a sign that you aren't compatible? If you find yourself arguing a lot with your loved one, there is a saving grace – science says it is a great indicator for your relationship, and here's how.
Love Isn't An Easy Road
As romantic and against-all-odds as love is portrayed, the reality is that relationships and marriage require work to cultivate and bloom. There is a lot of psychological research on why marriages fail, but not nearly as much on what makes marriages succeed.
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This viewpoint has led us to believe that arguing is a sign of failure and incompatibility with someone we care about. While extreme hurtful arguing is harmful to each other, studies show that a healthy relationship includes disagreements on a regular basis.
How Arguing Benefits Your Relationship's Longevity
We've all heard that communication is the key to a happy relationship.
While most of us imagine this as sitting calmly on the sofa and discussing our worries or concerns with our partner, in reality, this is rarely the case.
After all, we're all human, and we all have bad days, bad reactions to words and situations, so disagreements are unavoidable. Couples who argue are, in essence, communicating, which is the foundation of any successful relationship. Granted, it may not appear to be the most ideal method of communication, but actually expressing our opinions and viewpoints is far preferable to keeping them to ourselves and letting them stew. Jonah Lehrer, author of A Book About Love, investigated how fighting in a relationship can be beneficial rather than detrimental.
“Scientists believe that spouses who complain to each other the most and about the least important things have more lasting relationships. Couples with high negativity thresholds, on the other hand—who only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to divorce.”
So arguing about trivial matters keeps your relationship running much better than saving it for the more serious and important issues.
Why Isn't Fighting A Sign Of An Unhealthy Relationship?
Okay, arguing from day one may be an unhealthy sign, but once we settle into a relationship, the true dynamics emerge.
Lehrer delves deeper into John Gottman's research, which led to the establishment of the Gottman Institute, which focuses on research-based methods for relationship strengthening. According to Gottman's research, if you're not arguing at a certain point in a relationship where you're revealing your true selves to each other, it could be a sign that you've lost emotional investment in the other person.
“According to Gottman's research, if you are not fighting three years into a relationship, it is an indication of an unhealthy relationship. You're no longer holding back your farts at that point. You're completely intimate. You've seen where they have hair and smelled their morning breath. You don't hold anything back. If you're not fighting, it's usually a sign of withdrawal. In some ways, complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship can be viewed as ways of demonstrating that you care.”
Of course, no one should be unhappy in a relationship, but emotionally intelligent arguing or even general bickering shows that you're invested and willing to communicate, which helps to keep your relationship running smoothly.
So, if you believe that arguing is a sign that your relationship is doomed, think again. Indeed, it is a sign that you are not only passionate about the other person and the relationship, but that communication is abundant, indicating that your partnership is likely much stronger than you think.
How to Stop Caring: The first step of not caring is to make a list of things you like and like to do, as well as things you dislike and don't like to do. Next, look at your list of likes and make a list of things you like to do, as well as things that you don't like to do and see if there's a pattern that emerges. If you like something, like eating at a specific restaurant, and you don't like eating at any other restaurant, then you're not going to like eating at any other restaurant, unless there's a major drive of creativity and curiosity. Read more.
Dare to Dream Meaning: It's important to believe in yourself so you can achieve your goals and you can achieve great things if you set your mind to it. Sometimes the biggest dreams are the ones that really matter and sometimes that means you have to step out of your comfort zone. You should take the time to sit down and write down your biggest dreams and then see if there's anything at all you can do to make those dreams a reality. Knowing your dreams and how far out they lie will help you make the right steps and take the right actions and you'll be surprised at how much you can achieve and how much you can make your dreams come true. Read more.
Extreme Minimalism: One of the most unique trends in recent architecture is extreme minimalism. Taking the idea of minimalism to the extreme, buildings are built to be completely bare inside and out. Buying furniture and decorations is completely unnecessary to these people. They do not like clutter and like the feeling of the open air. If you're an extreme minimalist, you might like to try living in a tiny home without things cluttering up your space. Read more.
When Your Relationship Is Falling Apart: This is a guide for when you and your significant other are going through a rough patch. Read it and do the opposite of what the tips say. You will thank me later. Read more.
Why Life Suck: Life sucks and then you die is such a morbid thing to say. The worst part is that it's true. Life will always have it's ups and downs, it's moments of pure joy and gut wrenching despair. I'm sure everyone here can remember a time where they were absolutely ecstatic about something only to have their world get turned upside down. It's not fair, I know. It's not right, I know. But it's life. It's how it works. All we can do is enjoy the good times while they last and be ready for the bad when it comes. Read more.
You have heard it all before: "Live life to the fullest", "follow your dreams", "be who you are" and "if it is meant to be, it will be". These are all wonderful quotes that are meant to help you live a happy life but they miss the point. Our lives are interconnected with each other and with the world.
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