Yelling is a topic that affects everyone on the planet because everyone has yelled in anger at some point in their lives. Some people yell frequently, but we have all been guilty of yelling at some point in our lives. There are ways to respond to yelling that will help diffuse the situation rather than escalating it.
Yelling is unhealthy for relationships and does not produce long-term positive results. A person may give in to a yeller in the moment to get them to stop yelling, but once things return to normal, they usually revert because the yelling did not change their mindset long term. For example, a mother yelling at her children to pick up their toys may result in the children picking up their toys at that time. It will not, however, change their mindset about picking up their toys on a regular basis. Children will learn to pick up their toys if they have been conditioned with a reward or punishment system and recognize the importance and value of doing so.
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Relationships suffer when people yell. Yelling is not a constructive way to deal with a difficult situation, but everyone does it. Some people have more than others. You should be aware of your own yelling, understand why some people yell all the time, and understand how to deal with a yeller.
When someone yells at you all the time in life, they are demonstrating emotional tyranny over you. Their goal is to gain an advantage in the situation, and yelling is one way for them to do so. It's a type of intimidation. The yelling might work for a while. However, the long-term viability of the results of yelling is poor because it is a method of bullying someone into doing what the yeller wants done. Yelling is not good for relationships; in fact, it undermines healthy communication and relationship closeness.
Why Do People Scream?
“Anger is an acid that can cause more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured.” Twain, Mark
When someone is angry and yells, they may be yelling for a variety of reasons. The majority of the reasons they are yelling are not good reasons for yelling, so it is critical that the recipient react appropriately, which is more about not being reactive. It is critical to understand why someone is yelling because yelling is often indicative of issues in that person's core psyche that have nothing to do with the person receiving the yelling. Their yelling reflects their emotional instability, even though it is intended to demonstrate strength and dominance in the situation. Some of the reasons why people yell when they are angry are as follows:
Poor coping abilities
Many people yell as a coping mechanism when they are in a difficult situation. However, this coping mechanism does not produce long-term benefits. If a person yells because it is how they have learned to cope in life, they should seek assistance in learning better ways to regulate their emotions. They may be using emotional outbursts as a coping mechanism in their lives, which is not healthy for them or the recipients of their outbursts.
A person may yell because they feel powerless over the situation. They may be overwhelmed by their thoughts, feelings, and emotions and feel a loss of control over all of them at the same time. It's all a jumble to them, so they yell to try to gain control of what they're going through. They lack appropriate coping skills to regain control of the situation and their surroundings, so they resort to yelling to feel in control. They may feel in control, but it is usually fleeting, because most problems are not solved by yelling. A person may appear to compliment the yeller in order to calm that person down, but nothing has been resolved in the long run.
Fear of being threatened
Bullies are frequently people who have an extremely sensitive core emotional psyche and are attempting to protect that core. They react whenever they believe this core is under attack. They use yelling as a proactive tool whenever they feel threatened.
Tendencies to be aggressive
Some people are just naturally aggressive. They may yell, and the conflict may escalate into a physical altercation. Raised voices, shouting, or yelling are almost always the start of a physical fight. If someone is yelling at you and you don't know who they are, you should be cautious because the yelling could lead to a physical confrontation.
It is critical to avoid reacting aggressively to someone who is an aggressive yeller because doing so adds fuel to the fire of their rage and things can become physical. If they have these tendencies and you mimic their yelling, it is very likely that it will become physical.
Behavior that has been learned
Some people become yellers as a result of growing up in a home where their parents yelled frequently. They discovered that when there are conflicts, voices rise to the surface. They have not learned appropriate coping behaviors when confronted with conflict or difficult situations. Yelling has always been their go-to reaction to any situation that causes them distress.
Some people yell and raise their voices in rage because they believe the other person is not listening to them. They may have even repeated their message several times before resorting to yelling in frustration because the other person had not responded to their previous tone of voice. This is frequently the case when yelling while parenting. When parents believe their children are not listening, they yell at them rather than constantly repeating themselves. The issue is that this actually frightens children. Anger yelling is also very harmful to children, and research shows that it can be just as harmful as physical abuse.
If you want to know how to calm your yelling children, read this: When Children Act Out, the Only Effective Way to Communicate With Them
Avoiding Reactions to a Yeller
Mirroring a yeller's behavior is the worst possible reaction. When you yell at someone who is yelling at you, things do not go well. When both people start yelling, the situation worsens. Other reactions that should be avoided include baiting the yeller, challenging what they are saying, acting defensively, and criticizing the person during the confrontation.
There are more effective ways to deal with a yeller. The following are the steps you should take to deal with and hopefully diffuse a yeller.
1. Maintain your cool and don't add to their rage. Remember that when someone yells, it is not you who is at fault; it is them. They either lack coping skills or have another reason for yelling that has nothing to do with you. If you react, they will react to your reaction, and the situation will worsen. Even if you're fuming on the inside, keep your cool. It is not worth feeding into their yelling because the situation will only worsen, and things rarely get resolved when two people are yelling at each other. When using calm tones, problems are more likely to be solved. By remaining calm and speaking in a calm tone of voice, you can be a part of the solution rather than the problem.
2. Take a mental pause to evaluate the situation. Before taking any action in the situation, take a mental pause to assess the situation. This will allow you to decide whether it is worth it to wait out the yelling or to leave the situation. If you are being yelled at by a casual acquaintance and don't mind offending them by walking away from them, then walk away. You do not have to put up with someone's abuse and mistreatment if they are unimportant in your life. If it's your boss yelling at you and you know that walking away while your boss is yelling in the middle of a sentence will cost you your job, you might want to consider waiting it out and addressing the yelling with the boss later if it's a regular occurrence and is now interfering with your ability to work effectively.
3. Do not agree to diffuse the situation with the yeller, as this encourages future yelling. If you agree with the yeller to diffuse the situation and then agree to do or say what they are asking, you are condoning their yelling. Being agreeable to someone who is yelling at you only encourages them to yell at you again in the future to get their way. Avoid using this type of diffusing method; it will come back to bite you in the future, and you will be subjected to their yelling more frequently.
4. Deal with the yelling calmly. When someone yells at you, your emotions are usually triggered, and you feel compelled to respond. Reacting with yelling, criticism, or other negative responses will exacerbate the situation; instead, do everything in your power to keep your thoughts and feelings in check so you can address the real issue, which is their yelling. Make it clear to the person that you will not tolerate being yelled at, regardless of the situation or problem. If you say this politely and calmly, you are more likely to get a positive response, such as an apology or at the very least make them aware that they are yelling. Some people aren't even aware that they are yelling. The next step is to request a break from this person.
5. Request a break from this individual. After you've calmly addressed the yelling, the next step is to ask for a break from this person to think. You may also require some time to calm down because their yelling has caused your adrenaline to skyrocket and you don't know how much longer you can keep it all inside. When you ask for a break from someone, make a statement rather than a question, especially if it is not your boss. If it's a spouse, friend, or someone else, it's perfectly fine to say you need a break and time (a few minutes, a day, or whatever YOU need) to think things through before responding appropriately and calmly.
6. When you feel your emotions have calmed down and you know how to address whatever they were yelling about, you can return to the person and talk to them. Allow yourself enough time to think about the situation, what was said, and how you want to respond. This may take a few days in some cases, such as an in-law relationship, because emotions take longer to de-escalate. If it's a boss and you know you can't sit on the issue for long because there are deadlines or your job is on the line, use some calming techniques like deep breathing or visualization methods to process the situation faster so you can get back to them sooner rather than later. Here are three Deep Breathing Exercises suggestions for you.
Moving Forward on More Favorable Terms
Because you took the time to tell the person that yelling is not acceptable and you took time away from the person immediately after the yelling, the person is less likely to yell at you now. If they want to proceed with the subject, they must remain calm in order to discuss it with you. Not only are you standing up for yourself and demonstrating to this person that you will not be emotionally abused, but you are also assisting them in understanding that their behavior is unacceptable. If more people did this when they were yelled at, we would all be better trained to avoid yelling in the first place.
If the yelling has become habitual and your new course of action has not changed their behavior, it may be time to invite them to a meeting to discuss their yelling. When you have a seat, tell the person how the yelling affects you. For example, you might feel deeply sad after a yelling episode and avoid being around them for a while. Let them know how it affects your relationship as well. For example, it may cause an emotional divide between you and them. If they respond, “that's just who I am,” tell them that this is not acceptable.
Some people are also unsure of how to alter their behavior. People who have a problem with yelling can seek professional help (such as therapy, counseling, or anger management classes). They must acknowledge that the problem is affecting their relationship and that change is required to heal the relationship.
Tolerating their yelling causes damage, so don't let them continue to harm you or your relationship by tolerating their yelling.
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